Sex with teenagers in the house

I have had a lot of people ask me the personal question, “How do you have sex with teenagers in the house?” I really don’t mind the question and it always brings a smile to my face. It warms my heart that others see my husband David and I as a couple that is still intimate. And with your teens, I think that is where it begins: the appearance of intimacy.

David and I hold hands everywhere we go. We sit on the couch together, right next to each other. We turn on a favorite song and slow dance or take advantage of a melody Lilly plays on the piano. We spontaneously kiss as I do the dishes or David is doing a project. We whisper sweet nothings in each other’s ears and giggle, loudly sometimes. We let the children know it is okay for us to have inside jokes. We spend time each day after David has greeted the family, just the two of us chatting, letting the children know our relationship is important. We aren’t trying to gross them out, but we are okay with them understanding, we are attracted to one another and we were made to be sexual human beings. We both grew up with parents modeling they were in love which has helped us immensely with our own family.

In our house, with the ages of our children living at home ranging from 4-23, there is almost always someone up until the wee hours of the morning and then again at the crack of dawn-usually different children-but they are always up! So waiting to spend time with my husband until everyone is tucked in bed is not an option.

If you read my earlier post on special dates ( https://lifefullyloaded.com/2013/05/21/make-it-special/ ) then you already know we spend a weekend discussing sexuality with our children when they turn 13. So opening the door to healthy dialogue and questions, along with an understanding that we view sex as a very good thing- HELPS! An experience happened about four years ago that paved the way for a more relaxed approach to intimacy in our house.

All of our children were home, including our now daughter-in-law. The littles were in bed and all of the older children, ages 14 and up, were waiting to watch a movie. I said I was going to go “tuck their Dad in bed [I am a night owl, he is not] and visit with him a little and maybe join them later.” David and I were “visiting” and Lilly came to see if we had the VCR remote. She didn’t knock and even though the door was locked, her forceful knock and push of the knob elicited a loud and forceful shriek with a “Don’t come in here!” A bit later in the evening I decided to venture downstairs and join them. They were well into their movie and as I snuggled down in my chair, fits and starts of giggles erupted. “What? What’s so funny?” I inquired. Giggle, giggle, laughter everywhere, followed in unison by simultaneous mockery from various children. “What? What? ‘Oh, oh, don’t come in here. Step away from the door. Don’t come in here.’ We know what you were doing.” Ha ha ha ha ha! Or at least they were amused! 😊

So we decided to just go with it. Laughter seemed to be good medicine for the situation. We sleep with our door open, so now if one of my big kids is moseying by our room and the door is shut, they know not to knock unless there is trauma or fire. They understand if the door is shut, we are having private time. It doesn’t necessarily mean we are being intimate, but it does mean we are carving out our alone time.
Some of you may be thinking, oh, but I would still be too self-conscious. Turn on Pandora, a CD, the radio, a white noise machine. If it is getting late, I also am not afraid to say to my older children, Dad and I could really use some alone time, stay off the second floor (we have a three story house and the big kids’ rooms are not on our floor) for the next hour. I think establishing you are a couple and your relationship has important needs that require attention is vital in the life of a family.
Now, we do get a chuckle because sometimes when we are already in bed, reading and chatting, occasionally one of the bigger kids will walk by and say, “Would you like me to shut the door for you?” 😜

Note: This was written almost three years ago and never posted. The children are now almost 7-28. We are in a different house now with the sleeping quarters all on the same level, but it still has three floors. I would say I still find this post to be true, but I would add one other “suggestion”. Take advantage of teenage or adult drivers. Recently when Grace was home for a visit and almost everyone else was at their Saturday morning martial arts class, we spontaneously arranged an early lunch date for Grace and her youngest sister Lydia. Grace didn’t mind and I figure we will readily be babysitting her future little bambinos some day. And when that day comes, we don’t need to know whether they are doing their taxes or taking quality time for one another- though I recommend the latter 😉

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The Moment

I remember “the moment” I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with David. Believe it or not, it was in 4th period gym class at Tabb Intermediate School. We were in the 7th grade.

I was sitting in the bleachers with a friend watching part of the class participate in a volleyball game. I turned to my friend and said with dreamy stars in my eyes, “Do you see that David Irwin?”

“Yeah. What about him?” she replied, dryly.

I told her, ” I am going to marry him someday.”

A deep laughter arose from her throat as she retorted with a bewildered look, no, make that a bewildered snarl, “Ha. He doesn’t even know you exist!”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but I am going to marry him someday!”

My dad retired from the military, we moved out of base housing further out into the county, and four years passed. I now went to the major rival high school, the better school, York High School, Home of the Falcons.

The summer of 1984, I helped open a fantastic water park, Water Country USA in Williamsburg, VA. This was the summer before my senior year. I reconnected with an old friend at work and he immediately set his eyes on a new friend of mine for a double date. I had him start a list of some of his friends and then he uttered his name.

“David Irwin,” I stopped him. “You get me a date with David Irwin and you have got a deal!” I probably shouted at him.

We went out the next night and we have been together ever since.

Over 28 years later, I not only remember “the moment,” but enjoy the new moments every day. For example, each morning when David wakes me as I sleep to say goodbye, we have one of my favorite moments. During this season of life after having my 9th baby at 41 years old, four years ago, I retired my early morning breakfast ritual with him and opted for more sleep. It works for us. 🙂

So he wakes me up and gives me a kiss, then we touch our right cheeks together, then another kiss and then a final pressing cheek to cheek and an ” I love you.”

I am not sure the day we began having this “moment” together, but I do know I cherish it every day.

Take a moment today to remember your moment and create new ones!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Learn something new every day (plus it will help your love life)

A status on Facebook this morning was a quote by Robert Heinlein, ” When one teaches, two learn.” I absolutely love the truth of this statement.

Every day, I learn something new or relearn something I had forgotten. It can be a concrete fact about history or math, or a spiritual or emotional truth. It may just be marveling at how our children see the world, their bright , fresh perspective. Either way, it makes me feel not only alive, but in awe of how magnificent God created our brains to be! What a blessing to have such a learning center in the middle of our thick skulls! And yes, pun intended! 🙂

So, learning and our love lives…

So often, on a date in a long-standing relationship, we can run out of things to talk about or possibly talk about the wrong things, the go-to-things: the children, the finances, kids’ school activities, car problems, work related issues, and the list of potential negatives goes on and on.

Not too long ago before a date with my sweetie, I pulled out the newspaper. I went straight to the section I never read, SPORTS. I made a short list of interesting facts. I moved on to any article on politics, world affairs, and religion. By the time we walked out the door for our date, my brain was in overdrive, humming and purring like the engine of a well-tuned, classic 1964 Mustang. I had enough new facts I had absorbed that I am sure hundreds, maybe thousands of neurons were etching new road maps in my brain.

We ordered, we chatted about the restaurant and our day, and then the moment came when I started to veer to snoozeville topics. Quickly, I corrected, and steered my way to my first new learning fact. ” So, what do you think about Marty Brenneman’s plan to shave his head?” I softly and smoothly inquired.
( For those of you interested, he is Cincinnati Reds’ sportscaster since 1974. He had a beautiful long and thick head of hair that he shaved to raise $50,000 for charity.)

David had a lot to share about that topic and the others I had “studied” that day. I sat back and listened to him speak with great enthusiasm at the end of a long workday. I am pretty sure he had already spoken his 7,000 words a man speaks a day, long before the car door shut as we headed to the restaurant. But three hours flew by before we realized it was time to go home and relieve the babysitters.

At some point in the evening, David was curious about where I had heard this fact or that fact. I just casually mentioned the various places I had acquired my newfound knowledge. He never said anything, but I could tell it had resonated with him that I had become well versed in subject matter that he cared about, because I cared about him. I had taken the time.

Sometimes, you don’t have to say anything. It is all spoken in the way he rushes to get the door for you. The way he holds your hand a little tighter on the way home. The way the driveway kiss lingers before you officially end the date, out of the house.

Yes, I love learning something new every day.