Now that I’ve got your attention: this is for all of you ladies out there who are married, have been married or one day hope to marry (a little advice for the future). We all go into marriage with a wide range of expectations, fantasies and fears in the bedroom department. A lot of this is shaped by our upbringing, experiences and environment. Have you watched too many daytime soaps? Did you grow up hearing sex is bad – until of course you are married – then you are supposed to magically reprogram your brain that it is good, yes very good indeed? Was sex just not talked about at all – a taboo subject? Were you sexually violated somewhere along life’s journey? Did your church just never talk about it except in terms that involved words like “hell” and “damnation”? These questions and many more of our own fill-in-the-blank autobiographies ultimately shape the creature we become in the bedroom.
Chatting with many women on this cheek-blushing subject over the years, I have come to realize that as we develop sexually, we actually become our own worst enemy. First, we spend too much time looking and listening to the world around us. Television, movies, magazines, romance novels and many other forms of media shape what we think sexy should mean. Then, we allow everything we see all day to place us right in front of our bedroom mirror, analyzing ourselves.
Even those in the best of shape will often find something wrong with the reflection they are viewing. Too fat, too skinny, hair too thin, hair growing in all the wrong places. All possibly true, but not as important as we think to our spouse. And then, we tell our husbands about our problems.
Can you imagine if your man came into the bedroom right as you were preparing the mood for intimacy and he divulged his body’s imperfections? “No, you can’t see me naked, I am too fat. I have a bunch of hair growing on my back. You should see the way my thighs jiggle when I hit them. My stomach is so flabby my belly button looks like a wading pool.” I know not one of you right now is thinking, oh baby, I can’t wait to spend some time with him.
Many women waste years pushing off intimacy with their husbands because they are waiting for the diet plan to work or the exercise program to get started, waiting until they feel sexy. Ladies, your husband is here now. He doesn’t want a list of your perceived imperfections and he certainly doesn’t want them pointed out in the bedroom to him. And I guarantee he does not notice those extra five pounds that you claim you gained over the weekend. I am not saying that a healthy body isn’t important. I am saying, don’t waste precious time together until you feel more attractive or think you look better. Sexy is as sexy does.
It is all about your attitude. It is all about knowing you are a gift to him. It is all about realizing you are or definitely should be the only one bringing him pleasure in this department. It is being willing to be vulnerable so that you can share with him something private and intimate for the two of you. It is about leaving him breathless.
So turn down the lights low if you need, but not off, and let him see the eyes of the one who loves him, and ROCK HIS WORLD, like only you can.
Very good advice very well written
,As always I LOVE THIS POST! this is a great message for every woman to hear… and every bride should hear this for sure… but I believe that children need to see the attitude in motion ~ My kids have been heard saying , “MOM and DAD are so GROSS! They are always kissing in the kitchen ” It might be G rated.. But that kitchen smooching reflects far more than our good marriage, it reflects how we feel about each other AND ourselves, thus modling what love looks like both for our parnters and ourselves
What I don’t understand is why God made it gross to see your parents kissing. I’m even embarrassed when I shut the door and turn up the music – they have got to know what’s going on. Jamie – you have nine kids – how did you ever find time for intimacy with the kids running around the house?
Thanks for writing on this “difficult” subject that isn’t talked about enough in the church. Much needed advice for sure! Love you Jamie, Jenn
I agree that it is a turn-off for a husband to approach his wife for intimacy and all she does is complain about how ugly she feels. There were times when I have felt self-conscious about my changing body, but my husband thinks I’m beautiful. I decided to believe him. 🙂